Life in General Nowadays...

Ha, I suck at updating huh?

1 month ago, found out I was pregnant. Yay. *sighs*
im having a hard time, this time around with the pregnancy. my hormones are all over the map, making me want to scream, throw things, cry, and just explode all at once. im so angry and sad, and i dont know why. ive been getting so angry at michael and shandra, and its really not fair to them, especially since michael is working so hard to provide for us, and shandra is 1... she cant help how she is. she doesnt know any better. but does that help? not really. these mood swings are killing me. all i want to do is run away and hide, i dont wanna be a wife or a mama right now. i just want to hide in bed and be left alone. im sick of having to get up and take care of my self and my bab(ies). i wish i could just disappear for a while, and not have to deal with anything of the day to day life and struggle. my house is a mess, we are in debt, im not taking care of myself as well as i should, and its so hard to care in a good way. all i wanna do is give up. this is just a mood swing i know, but its so hard. im still taking my antidepressants, vitamin d supplements, and b complex pills... but it doesnt seem to be enough right now. im sick of winter, im sick of captivity. im sick of the only time i have to myself is when shandra is asleep in her crib and i cant go anywhere and all i can do is clean and watch tv or craft. i wish i could go out and about. i wish i was young, i wish i was healthy, and rich so i could go anywhere and do anything i wanted without a care in this world. im tired of the cares weighing me down. i wish i could be selfish and callous, and carefree.
sigh

its not to be.



to anyone reading this, this isnt anything important, just an attempt to get these feelings out and in one place, in a ledgible form so that i can process them. i cant write in my normal journal at the moment, because shandra would be all over me trying to steal the pen, the book, and rip the pages and do what have you to it.

anyone want a demonic gremlin for a few hours? i wont even charge you for your time... (sorry, an attempt at humor even if i dont feel up to it). t'would be nice if i could just run away to barnes and noble and bury myself in a book with no worries about having to come home to rescue michael from the clutches of the baby... i feel so guilty when i leave him alone with her. its silly i know, but i feel like its my job to be here even if hes watching her... i dont know why. i guess just cause im a stay at home mom, and battle depression, i feel like its my lot to stay here and deal with the care of her 24/7 without a break, and maybe thats why this post is here... because i dont allow my brain a break even if michael gives my body one.

sigh

Change

So much has changed since my last post, but a lot has stayed the same.

Changes: I had a beautiful little daughter on March 31st, 2011. Her name is Shandra Elise, and she was born at 3:50 AM, was 20 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces.

We moved into a different apartment (though in the same complex) so we have an extra room and slightly lower rent.

My parents died. Both of them. In a weeks time. Less than a week truly. My dad had apparently had cancer for atleast 10 years, the drs thought more like 15. And from what I was told, my brother found out that dad had known about it, and had not told us nor sought treatment. My dad died on April 26th, 2011. And 3 days later, my mommy died on April 29th, 2011 from renal failure. My ex sister in law Diane had offered to buy me and Shandra (who was less than 1 month old at the time) a ticket to Utah when we first heard my dad was sick, about 2 weeks before he died. I had hemmed and hawwed about going, and decided not to because I was scared for my baby girl. But my doctor, and my midwife both told me to go, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I accepted my XSIL's offer. They set the leaving date for the 1st of May... But then my daddy died, and my brother told me that mommy wasnt doing well, and they expected her to last about 5 days. So, my XSIL bumped up the ticket to me leaving at 8 pm on the 29th. At 6 pm, my husband answered the call telling us that my mommy had died. They both donated their bodies to science, to the U of U's cadevor program, and had no funeral. I didnt get to see them. I had a feeling a couple months before they died that I would never see them again.... I was right. And I will forget regret my decision to wait instead of just going to say good bye. So that Shandra could have met them, just once, and that I could have seen them one last time. I havent seen them since I moved to Alaska on June 9th, 2009.

We ended up getting my dog Sterling brought up here, and I have been "prescribed" him as a medical companion to help my depression... He doesnt help much, and in truth I think he has made it worse because I cant take care of him very well. We are so poor, and he doesnt have a fenced in yard to play in anymore. I feel horrible, but I know my mom would have hated me if I gave him away, so I dont know what to do.

I stopped working at Cold Stone Creamery in Feb 2011, because of an injury I sustained at work that was being exaserbated by my pregnancy. I have missed working. Not necessarily there, but in general. But I was offered a job at the Walmart Portrait Studio and was going to take it, but wasnt ready to be away from my daughter yet, so I turned it down.

I feel horrible about not working, because we are sinking again, especially since Mike defaulted on his student loans, so now his paycheck is being garnished. And of course every kind of assistance is based off of how much you make gross, not net. All they care about is that your paycheck was $1600, but they dont care that after taxes, garnishments, deductions, etc, you only get $800. Which I think is Bu!!$h!t! Because its not like we can actually spend that money that is taken away from us, but they seem to think so. So, we are in even more tight straights and no help in sight.

Right now, not much is helping. I... I am yearning for something, but I dont know what. Im not finding much pleasure in things right now, but still trying. I guess I do okay, as it is making me happy to try to get my house clean (even if I am not looking forward to the project of the living room) and I am making some progress on a lot of my knitting projects. But I yearn for something, I dont know what it is. I guess I wanna be out and about, but no money to do that, and I need to think of my daughter. I cant really drag her around all the time, and I cant afford a baby sitter, if I would even be able to leave her with one. Maybe I am wishing I was young, skinny, pretty and rich and could party for a bit with no thoughts but enjoying life, but right now I think I just have too much grief and... some thing... hanging. But Im not sure what that is.

Anyways, im hoping writing will help things, and Im going to try to make a goal of journaling atleast once a week to see if getting my feelings out on "paper" will help with these weird feelings im having...

heh...

yeah, its been a while. Sorry. Will try to update more.

*Laptop is down, so I dont have the big "blogger" bookmark in front of me, so I forget. Plus Im horrible at writing. I signed up for the national novel writers month thingy, got 539 words in, and promptly quit.

*Working on Christmas presents now for family. Knitted dishcloths, crocheted blankets, store bought stuffed animals for the kids, and such and such. Hopefully will finish before xmas.

*Not feeling well today, got a cold. bleh.

*Still working at Cold Stone and still a supervisor, but doing closing shifts now. Not liking it anymore and wanting to quit, but need to stay in a job so Mike can go to school and get his CNA thingy so he can quit walmart and work at the hospital. So looking for something else because im sick of the stereotypical highschool bull$h!t that is going on with the coworkers.

*Missing my mommy and wishing I could fly down and spend a couple weeks with her, but the plane ticket prices are way to expensive for that to happen... : (

*Wishing I could afford to quit and stay home and make fun things for my baby.

*Wishing I could afford to go get my nails and hair done....

One thing I am so happy to report, is our little one is doing so well now. S/he is so very active and bouncing and dancing most days for hours. : ) And today, Mike finally got to feel him/her kick. It made me so happy I almost started crying. Im so looking forward to the day she or he is born, and I can hold my sweet little bundle of joy and snuggle her and not let her go for a few hours. I really miss being a mommy.

Anyways, will try to update more often. Im 20 weeks now, it will be nice if I can update atleast once a week, but Im not going to hold my breath knowing how bad at updating I am.

random update

Was planning on continuing the tale of our adventure to Anchorage and Seward today, but probably wont. I will leave that for another day or time.

*shruggs* Not feeling so hot right now, I think I'm coming down with a cold, and have a cold sore on the corner of my bottom lip as proof. Yay! *rolls eyes*

Today I had the day off, and was planning on going to church, but Michael had to work, and I didn't get myself out of bed to take him to work. So that meant, no car. Oh well. I'll try to go next week. I know he works again next Sunday, so hopefully we will get to sleep earlier next Saturday.

He opened up his availability at work, because they have been dangling a promotion in front of him but told him he had to have completely open availability to be able to receive it. But it looks as though he was just asked if he wanted it to see if he would start working on Sundays. His one supervisor thinks that all of his workers should have to work on Sunday even if he (the supervisor) doesn't. Which is bunk, but oh well. Mike says if he isn't given the promotion within two weeks, he will change his availability back to no Sundays, and also no Mondays so he will actually have 2 days off in a row, instead of it popping randomly around the week as they see fit. He has been told that because of corporate doing the scheduling now, its against their policies to give you two days off in a row. Which is complete and total bunk, but that's what you get for working at a soul sucking company like Walmart. To any who might read my blog, I encourage you to never work for Walmart, and to encourage your friends and family not to work for them either. If you can afford it or have the choice, I would also say to boycott them, but at the moment Michael and I can not afford it, so it will have to wait until someday when he is working somewhere else so we can afford to not to have to use the discount card he gets for working there.

Anyways, other than that, seems like the pregnancy is going okay. Tired, and bloated, cranky and achy is whats on the agenda, but yeah. No spotting and no real cramping to speak of, so hopefully all is well. I will see if I will be able to get an ultrasound this week to be able to see how the lil baby bean is doing a progressing.

A very busy weekend

That's what I had. A very busy weekend. So, the 10Th was my birthday, and Michael wanted to go all out for me to celebrate. We drove down to Anchorage and Seward to celebrate. And Oh My Gosh, it was AMAZING!

Saturday night we got everything packed up, and left town at about midnight. We drove and drove and drove. We found out that we probably didn't have to leave that early (later), but oh well. It was a nice peaceful drive other than the fact of both of us being tired (neither of us had slept since that morning) and me having to pee a lot. Plus we both had to keep stopping to stretch because we were oh so stiff, and to wake up. But we made really good time, even with it being dark and me driving slowly to avoid animals (of which we saw like 3 moose on their way back into forest and not into the road, thank goodness). We made it to Wasilla, and we stopped to eat at IHop, as Michael and I have both been missing it. I have been craving waffles with fruit on top, so I went for that even though they had some crepes that sounded to die for! Crepes with Nutella inside and strawberries and whipped cream on top! Yum. Definitely will be going back for those later.

Anyways, went on the road again, and made it to Anchorage at like 9 AM, which was way early. We weren't going to be able to check into the hotel until 3PM, so we found the 5Th Avenue Mall. Which I have to tell you, is what a mall is supposed to be like. 5 stories people! 5 stories of shops and services, and food. But, everything was closed. We had accidentally gotten there about 2 hours before they even opened. Oops! We were worried we would get in trouble, but nothing came of it. So we decided to try to go find the hotel and just sleep in the car in the parking lot. On our way out, we walked across a big glass walkway that is 4 stories above the traffic to get to the parking garage, which I have to say was really cool. We got in the car and headed to the hotel. Unfortunately I fell asleep, and Michael was lost in Anchorage for over an hour just trying to get us to the Hotel. But finally we got there.

We went inside to ask if maybe it might be okay if we checked in early, but they had just had all the previous guests check out (check out is at 11 AM at Executive Suites), and the house keeping had just arrived so they said it would be another hour or 2. So we slept in the car for about 30 minutes but it was uncomfortable, so we walked across the parking lot to the McDonalds that shared the same parking lot and got some fries and a McFlurry to share to waste time. Went back to the car and tried to nap a bit, and finally at about 12:30 PM I decided to go ask if it was possible if we could check in, and Yes! It was. They got us in and it was glorious! We laid down in the bed and slept for a good six hours (the alarm clock sucked), and found out that since it was Sunday, pretty much everything had closed. So, Michael and I decided to just lay in bed and watch TV and sleep for the rest of the night, which was okay, because we needed it, and it was romantic just cuddling away from home and worries. : )

Not much going on

Just thought I would update even though there isn't much going on. I made a resolution to update my blog more often, so I'm gonna!

We made the reservations for our hotel for our Anchorage and Seward Vacation last night, and we are pretty happy about that. I wish we had the money to stay longer, but oh well. At least we will have two nights in a hotel. I am gonna look at camping sites to see if we wanna camp out for a night so that we can stay one day longer, but I will do that in a little bit.

Still working, Andrea knows about my little surprise and she is happy, so that's all good. : ) Hoping to keep working until January or so, and then relax after that. But if I work till February, that will have been a year in one job with no real problems. : ) So I'm starting to do better. Its getting easier not to be discouraged with myself, when I look at the progress I'm making in my life.

Working on my knitting still, I will be happy when I do quit my job for the main reason of my hands will stop hurting so much, and I can start knitting and crocheting more often again. : D

Anyways, I think that's all for now.

General life

Not much is going on. Just finished my week of opening the store. I'm glad I get two days off, as I was starting to get really frustrated with stuff going on. Truly told, it was really nothing big, just lots of little things adding up over time, like everyone inability to properly sweep and mop the lobby floor. I don't want to have to do that, since its really not my job. Its night crews job to clean, morning crews job to stock. I don't think I should have to sweep and mop the floor when I get there in the morning when it is on their list of things to do NIGHTLY! *sighs* oh well.

In other news, I am doing better at getting more water in me. Wednesday I drank 32 oz, Thursday I drank 24 oz, Friday I drank 20 oz, and today I drank over 40 oz. Now, while I realize that its recommended to drink 64 oz of water daily, I have almost never done that in my life, so 40 oz of water in one day is pretty dang awesome for me. : )

Today I was attempting to read and knit and relax at Barnes and Noble for a few hours, but yeah, fell asleep in front of the fire place so decided to come home to sleep here. Haven't gone yet, but that's okay as Michael has gone out to hang out with one of his friends from work. Which I am quite enjoying. He is getting time with someone other than me, I'm getting some quite time alone (as he has taken to always wanting background noise and motion, AKA a movie or video game... Music on the computer isn't doing it for him where as it is just fine for me)... But right now the only noise I hear is the clicking of the keys and the fan going.

Today I did submit my poem "Memorial" to possibly be published in a book called "From a lullaby to Goodbye", which will be published to help people who have lost their children to SIDS, and or other things, whether it be accidents or diseases. It will be nice if it is accepted, but if not, oh well. I was going to submit a written story detailing our experiences, but between work, being tired and not feeling well and being lazy and slacking, I never got around to it. Today was the cut off for submissions. Hopefully it counted that I sent it at 11:30 PM my time, but I doubt it. Oh well. We shall see. Anyways, its the thought that counts.

I think I might go jump in the shower again, lol, as it is so freaking hot in my house. I wish I had air conditioning. All I have is this meager fan and its not doing much. Oh well. Goodnight, blogger land.

: )

Happy news last night... Looking for health insurance now, and hoping to get some soon. Also hoping that everything goes well like it did last time, well, at least up until the end. But we shall see. For now, I'm a happy Moyruh. : )

Woohoo!

Just won an auction on Ebay, which is like the first time I have ever done that without using the buy it now feature. I got an Ipod! So excited. Its my birthday present. : )

Happy 26!

Cant wait to get it.

But now I have been an idiot and stayed up until 3 am and have to be to work at 9 am. This is going to suck. Oh well, Thank the Lord for coffee. Will be living off of it today I think. Anyways, going to bed NOW, even though its like the fifth time Ive said that to myself in the last 2 hours... bleh.