Easter weekend review

Well, its been a while since I have posted...

Life in general is happening, as it does to all.

In Late February, I got a job at Cold Stone Creamery. We tried to make it through Josua's birthday on the 3rd as best we could. The 18th was worse. I miss my son.

I decided I wanted a tattoo for myself, to memorialize my son. I am doing a lot to try to memorialize him in ways for him, such as trying to raise support for SIDS organizations for research. Someday I still plan on buying lots of the books SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide(the book that got me through Josua's death and funeral) and getting them into hospitals to help others who are grieving... But I needed something for me. So, I decided on a tattoo. I went onto Deviant Art and was looking at tattoo's to see if I could find something I liked, so that I could try to commission someone to do a tattoo for me... But then within the first page of searching under the "tattoo" search term, was a gorgeous picture of a heart with a lotus and angel wings. I was in love. I knew it was what I wanted. So, I started saving up my tips from Cold stone, and saved and saved.

Saturday, I was able to get my tattoo started. Its far from finished. I still need to have the line work heal, and in a month or so I will be heading back for the color, and the text, with my sons name and the dates... 03-03-2009 and 03-18-2009 in banners... Im looking forward to its completion. Im not sure I will get any more after that one, but we shall see. It hurt. A lot. But I made it through. My son is worth it.

I miss him....

Its so hard to see my friends on Facebook right now, all announcing pregnancies or births of highly anticipated children... And yet like a typical me, I still go through and read these posts, hanging off them and congratulating my friends... all the while its killing me inside. Watching the link to the NBC? segment on another womans blog about her son and his miraculous recover had me sobbing. Yes, deep inside I know that there was a reason why my son was taken and not returned like little baby B was... I know it was to teach us somethings that we needed to know... but why couldn't have something else happened to teach us those things? I think we would have learned even if we had been given our son back... why can't we have him? Why can't I get pregnant again? I... *sighs* Im trying to pull myself together right now, but its oh so hard. I want to be a mommy. I want to be a mommy for MY SON. But I failed him... And I will have to live with that for the rest of my days...

I think I am need of something entirely fattening and not so good for me... brownies it is....