A bit of happiness...

Couple happy happenings to report...

1, I emailed the woman who took Josua's first official portrait in the hospital and told her what happened, and asked if maybe we could get a copyright release so that I could buy one of those throw rugs with his picture on it from Wal-mart... and she is more than willing to do so and will be sending us the CD disk with the photo on it, as well as a copyright release... so it will be something we will be able to do... : )

2, My boss asked me if I wanted to have the shift that she needed someone in who was reliable. Its getting busier during the day at Cold Stone, and she needs someone who can come in and get down to business to help her with what she needs done... And she asked me. It made me quite happy. I gladly accepted. Plus she will be giving me Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays off each week, so that will be a happiness and cookies type thing. ^_^

In other news, yesterday there was a bomb scare at the Home Depot that is right across the street from Wal-mart where my husband works. Apparently someone stuck some kind of box in the back of a military personnel's truck and they were afraid it was explosive... not sure why. But apparently it was fine. Thank God. But it is kind of scary when your husband texts you saying he can't leave the store because of a bomb threat.

I went to JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts store on Wednesday to buy a few things, and to say hi to my friend Dana. She told me that they had found a body by the dumpster out back. That's kind of scary. Apparently though it was an exposure death. Its been getting warmer recently, and I guess some guy thought it was okay to go to sleep outside, but it didn't turn out how he had imagined. He was 63 the report on newsminer.com said... Maybe he was homeless and drunk? Ionno, the report didn't say. Still scary though.

I love Alaska, and I love Fairbanks, but its still kind of scary to know that these things are on your door step, so to speak....

Easter weekend review

Well, its been a while since I have posted...

Life in general is happening, as it does to all.

In Late February, I got a job at Cold Stone Creamery. We tried to make it through Josua's birthday on the 3rd as best we could. The 18th was worse. I miss my son.

I decided I wanted a tattoo for myself, to memorialize my son. I am doing a lot to try to memorialize him in ways for him, such as trying to raise support for SIDS organizations for research. Someday I still plan on buying lots of the books SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide(the book that got me through Josua's death and funeral) and getting them into hospitals to help others who are grieving... But I needed something for me. So, I decided on a tattoo. I went onto Deviant Art and was looking at tattoo's to see if I could find something I liked, so that I could try to commission someone to do a tattoo for me... But then within the first page of searching under the "tattoo" search term, was a gorgeous picture of a heart with a lotus and angel wings. I was in love. I knew it was what I wanted. So, I started saving up my tips from Cold stone, and saved and saved.

Saturday, I was able to get my tattoo started. Its far from finished. I still need to have the line work heal, and in a month or so I will be heading back for the color, and the text, with my sons name and the dates... 03-03-2009 and 03-18-2009 in banners... Im looking forward to its completion. Im not sure I will get any more after that one, but we shall see. It hurt. A lot. But I made it through. My son is worth it.

I miss him....

Its so hard to see my friends on Facebook right now, all announcing pregnancies or births of highly anticipated children... And yet like a typical me, I still go through and read these posts, hanging off them and congratulating my friends... all the while its killing me inside. Watching the link to the NBC? segment on another womans blog about her son and his miraculous recover had me sobbing. Yes, deep inside I know that there was a reason why my son was taken and not returned like little baby B was... I know it was to teach us somethings that we needed to know... but why couldn't have something else happened to teach us those things? I think we would have learned even if we had been given our son back... why can't we have him? Why can't I get pregnant again? I... *sighs* Im trying to pull myself together right now, but its oh so hard. I want to be a mommy. I want to be a mommy for MY SON. But I failed him... And I will have to live with that for the rest of my days...

I think I am need of something entirely fattening and not so good for me... brownies it is....

March 3rd.... year 1

So, today is March 3rd. In other words, it would have been my son Josua's first birthday. I miss him so much and wish he was here with us to celebrate. I wish we could give him a piece of cake and take lots of pictures of him making a mess of himself as he ate, and then having to wash him afterwards. I wish we could give him lots of presents and sing to him. I wish I could just hold him. But truly told I think the hardest thing right now is that he is in Utah and I am unable to get there to spend sometime at his grave. To talk to him and tell him I love him. To sit and meditate by him and my brother, and all those who have gone on before us.

I miss you my baby bear. My little belly bean. Its been almost a year since you have been gone. I will never stop missing or loving you baby. No matter what.

Please make sure the angels up there where you are sing you a wonderful happy birthday song, and please try to enjoy the cake that we get for you. Daddy and I are going to get you a cake and candles, and sing happy birthday to you as well.

Mommy may even get a tattoo... we shall see. I doubt it will happen today, but mommy would love to do it, in her own way of a memory for you. Either that or she will ask daddy if she can make a gift basket to take to the hospital to be given to a new mommy and daddy in memory of you. That may happen... we will have to see.

Anyways, later today we are going to go to the ice sculpture park to see all the awesome ice sculptures, just like we would have done if you were still here with us.

We love you little one. And miss you oh so much. Mommy can only hope that you know that, since she doesn't feel your presence anymore...

I miss that warm feeling I got when I thought I felt you hugging me and watching me. It was probably just my imagination, but it felt real to me. And I loved it. And I miss it now that I don't have it anymore.

I miss you....

I love you.

Memorial
What is a decent memorial?
Money donated in ones name?
Races run for a cure?
Ink beneath the skin?
A hug given to a sad child?
Research about a cause?
Books written? breathes taken?
Heart beats counted?
Tears shed?

Who can decide?
Why is one way any more fitting than another?
Why is one way more Just than another?
Why is one more God-like, more religious?
More moral, More ethic?
Why can't a memorial be just that,
a memorial?
Memories are what keep us alive.
A life lived is memories,
Tears cried
Skinned knees
Hugs
Kisses
Sweat and blood
These are memories.
A memorial is to remember.
Why can I not etch your name in my skin,
so that those who never knew you
ask of you?

Why must I always bring you up,
to the frustration of those around me?
Aren't you over that yet?
No
No, I am not
I will never be over it
I am a person bereft of a love
Whether you are father or friend,
Son or sister,
You are my love
You are my heart
Steadily beating
You are my breath
My strength
You are the life I keep on living
To be with all those who you left behind.

I am a friend
Bereft
I am a daughter
Bereft
I am a sister
Bereft
I am a mother
Bereft

Do not coddle me
Do not judge me
Just remember those who I wish to be remembered
Do not ask how or why I chose to memorialize them
Just know that they mean something to me
In my tears, my smiles
My embraces
My happiness and my sadness
They are me
They are you
They are the Lord Himself
They are love

Memorial
Remember

Mommy wrote that for you sweetheart. I hope you like it. I love you.

I'm going to go take a shower and blow dry my hair so that I can try to enjoy the day to spend with your daddy remembering you, more than we usually do anyways.

Love you...

Momma.

Am I just the most horrible person ever? I can't even stand to see my friends' children anymore without wanting to stab my eyes out in pain... because if I watch, my heart siezures and I want to cry.

Maybe its because he would have been one year old on the 3rd, and Its hard not to think of what he would be like now... firsts of everything...

I want my son back...

... continued

Well today got my little present from mother nature... I was hopeful at first, but that was a huge let down. I think I need to stop allowing myself to hope. I need to stop allowing myself to get all excited to think I am yet again pregnant, thinking that I might be allowed to have another chance to be a mommy, and then be devastated to find out that it is not so.

It frustrates me so, looking at things about adoption, where the prices are so high, and you have to jump through so many hopes. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand that they need to make sure that a child will be taken care of, and will not be abused... But they make it impossible for someone like Michael and I who would love to take a child and love them, and to help them and raise them to know that they are loved. We can not afford to go through the hoops, and the courts, we cannot afford the fancy people in the office and flying away to visit another land to arrange all sorts of things. Why is it that we cannot find a family who is struggling, and have them talk to us? Why can we not take the child, and love it and feed it and clothe it? Why can't the government take care of its future, and provide health insurance for said child? Wouldn't that make things better? I mean, a young couple who are faced with a life they are not ready for is given another choice that still ends in life, and my husband and I are able to be happy raising a family. And the child is given loving parents. They force us, those who want to adopt, to jump through hoops to adopt, yet day in and day out there are those who are lucky enough to have their own children, and then they abuse them, and they are not investigated before pregnancy to make sure they are fit parents. To make sure that they can provide for their child, to make sure they wont abuse them and that they can feed them. Why is it this way? *sighs* Okay, enough of my rambling and venting and run on sentences. Perhaps I will expound more on this topic later, when I am feeling less run on sentence-y.

...

2 days late... 1 - hpt....

The day after V day

Well, the day didn't start out the greatest. We had a fight around midnight, then went to bed. Didn't wake up the the alarm so missed church. Then when we did wake up, things were tense, and Mike would NOT stop apologizing about not getting me anything for V day. But then I realized I needed to go to Wal-mart to get my Rx, so we went. He got me a beautiful plant, a pretty throw thingie that I had wanted and was finally on sale for $2 (down from something over $20), and a bracelet watch. We bought the last ingredients needed for our spare rib dinner I was going to make. We went out on a drive and I took a butt load of pictures. Then we came home and watched movies while I worked on dinner. It turned out really really good, and it is a recipe we are planning on keeping and doing again. Then watched another movie while Mike played on the computer and I worked on a knitting project. Went to bed, and had a good sleep.

It was a pretty okay day yesterday. : )

I hate not feeling good...

So I was going to go to a Folk Festival today, but woke up not feeling good so I decided to stay home. I have no idea why I am not feeling good SO often now a days, but don't have the money to get to a dr and find out. Though I am going to have to next month, so I can get another Rx for my anti depressants. I am hoping they will believe me that I don't have my job anymore, so they will knock down the price for me.

On the bright side, I thought it was pretty dang awesome that I got my friend request approved by Juliet Marillier, the author of some books my friend Amber and I love. So dang awesome. : D Happiness and cookies, that.

Called my mom today and said hi... But got frustrated with her and decided to get off the phone. Good thing it was on long distance minutes anyways, so I didn't have to think up an excuse. She told me that one of the Dr's that worked on Josua at the ER asked how I was doing. She told him I was doing great. When I mentioned that she didn't hear me sobbing... what was it, yesterday? Because I missed my son so much, she kind of blew me off and mentioned that it will stop soon and I will get over it. *shakes my head* You don't tell someone who has lost their child that they will "get over it". She should know, she has had several miscarriages and a still born or two. But then again, I do have to remind myself that she is 82, and having a lot of problems with dementia or Alzheimer's. So I need to sit back, breathe, and try to consider the source.

Today I looked up home made beauty treatments. I hope to try to make a face mask and a hair mask and go sit and soak in a warm bath when Michael gets home from work. Then I can relax and he can have fun playing his Evony online. I think I will probably get off soon, seeing as I have been on the computer for about 12 hours now... And I will go work on my little baby kimono wrap until Michael gets home, and see if I cant get a bit more done. : )

I hate feeling like this...

I have been following a story on a blog of a mothers moment of distraction turned into a dreaded reality. Her son drowned in the bath tub. But due to quick action (a slightly older brother trying to pull him out of the bath tub, mom knowing CPR, and oldest brother (6) calling 911), he was able to be revived. He was flown to a great hospital in their area, and has been given many miraculous treatments. He is recovering, and quickly. He is becoming himself again.

Mom posted a video of son enjoying family singing one of his favorite songs while he was in the hospital (still not out of the woods, but doing oh so much better), and I started sobbing. Some of the tears were of joy, yes. I have been praying hard for this little boy and his family.

But a LOT of the tears were of sadness, anger, and jealousy. I hate to admit that I am human, and keep asking "Why?". Why couldn't this be our story to. Why couldn't we be posting this miraculous type of story on our blog to the joy of all our family and friends? Why cant we be in our old house wondering how the .... we will manage to pay the medical bills, instead of still thanking everyone so much in all the help they gave us arranging and paying for things funeral and otherwise related. Why did I have to write the thank you cards for everything every one did to help out during that week, instead of thank you cards for prayers, and bringing us clean clothes and returning library books while we sat at our sons side in the hospital. Why.

I do not hold anything against this wonderful woman and her courageous family. At All. I just... I hate feeling human like this. I hate that I have to admit to these undesirable feelings. Why cant I just be all happy and giddy about the fact that life is going well for someone else who has beaten the odds, like they were meant to?

I have to have faith. I have to believe that there is a bigger purpose in all this, otherwise I think I will be bald soon from ripping my hair out.

Its been a while

.. A Lot has changed since I last posted. A LOT.

Well, in losing our son Josua, we got a lot of sympathy money. And with it, we decided we were going to move. We wanted to start over, so we did. We packed almost all of our things up in a storage shed, and bought our plane tickets. We bought luggage and chose what clothes to bring, packed them up, and on June 15th, we got on a plane that took us away from Utah all the way to Alaska. Thats right, Alaska. It a far cry away from Utah. And the culture is quite a bit different as well.

But I will get on about that later... I dont really feel up to it right now... now more than anything, I just need to vent. I feel like I am floundering. I dont know what to think or to feel anymore. Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, I realized that in just a tiny bit over a month, it will have been 1 full year since Josua was born... and then... two weeks later. No, I dont want to think about that right now.

But I dont know what to think or feel. I have been having dreams of my high school sweet heart Rian, and it is making things difficult. I have come to realize that as much as I thought that the feelings I had for him were gone, I have a lot of unresolved issues with him. And its hard. I have tried to contact him to appologise for what happened between us (on facebook), but he deleted his account. Apparently he has no wish for any contact with me, and sadly I do understand, because I put him through a lot of shit when he was with me. I wish there was something I could do to go back in time and make it right, but it will never happen, and I will never be able to repair that bridge I have burned. And what hurts is that I have been having dreams of him breaking it off with his wife, and me breaking up with Michael, and Rian and I getting back together. Yeah, right, that will never happen... but it still doesnt make the feelings that those dreams stir up go away. So the other day I got looking on facebook again, and found his wifes profile. She has a picture of her and him on it, and he was kissing her cheek, and it brought back such sadness, because once upon a time I thought that would be me.,.. it just, stresses me out... I wish it would all go away....

Then it doesnt help that I have been participating in forums on a website called ravelry recently, and I have been following a thread where they are talking about how sad it is that people with bachelor degrees are having a hard time finding decent jobs worthy of them and paying a decent amount, and all it has done is make me feel all the more pathetic. They have bachelors degrees and are having a hard time getting a job. I have nothing other than a HS diploma and a list of failed attempts at college under my name. How can I even think I could find something decent? I feel like a miserable, pathetic failure. I am unemployed, and I am not in school, I dont do much around the house to help my husband, and yet my depression is getting worse and it is making all this seem even worse than what it is, and is making me get deeper and deeper back into the dark... so now its hard for me to get out of bed to even try....

I tried to contact a cosmetology school to see what info I could get.... I like playing with hair and nails, so maybe I should try to do that for a living... and yet its been like 4 days and havent gotten anything... perhaps even they realize its not worth it to contact me. I feel so pathetic. I have such a long string of jobs behind me that I just abandoned because I didnt feel like working. I have screwed my whole life up pretty much because of my damn depression and such, and I dont know how to fix it. Sometimes I wish that I could just stop... Stop feeling, stop thinking... stop breathing. But I know it wont fix things... It will just make them worse (for those who love me)... So its not something I can do... But I hate to have to go back to the drs and tell them my meds are NOT working, and that I need something new. I am so afraid I am going to have to spend the rest of my life on antidepressants... I am not sure if that is a life worth living, because who wants to know that for the rest of their life they will feel like this if they dont use a medication...? I wouldnt wish this feeling on my worst enemy... Everyone needs to feel wanted and loved... everyone needs to feel useful and needed. I know my family and friends love me and want me around, but its a laugh to think that I feel needed or useful. I feel like I am just in the way and that everything would be so much better if I was not around.... I think I need to call a dr... I just dont know what meds I need, and if I will be able to afford them....