Thursday, April 5, 2012

Life in General Nowadays...

Ha, I suck at updating huh?

1 month ago, found out I was pregnant. Yay. *sighs*
im having a hard time, this time around with the pregnancy. my hormones are all over the map, making me want to scream, throw things, cry, and just explode all at once. im so angry and sad, and i dont know why. ive been getting so angry at michael and shandra, and its really not fair to them, especially since michael is working so hard to provide for us, and shandra is 1... she cant help how she is. she doesnt know any better. but does that help? not really. these mood swings are killing me. all i want to do is run away and hide, i dont wanna be a wife or a mama right now. i just want to hide in bed and be left alone. im sick of having to get up and take care of my self and my bab(ies). i wish i could just disappear for a while, and not have to deal with anything of the day to day life and struggle. my house is a mess, we are in debt, im not taking care of myself as well as i should, and its so hard to care in a good way. all i wanna do is give up. this is just a mood swing i know, but its so hard. im still taking my antidepressants, vitamin d supplements, and b complex pills... but it doesnt seem to be enough right now. im sick of winter, im sick of captivity. im sick of the only time i have to myself is when shandra is asleep in her crib and i cant go anywhere and all i can do is clean and watch tv or craft. i wish i could go out and about. i wish i was young, i wish i was healthy, and rich so i could go anywhere and do anything i wanted without a care in this world. im tired of the cares weighing me down. i wish i could be selfish and callous, and carefree.

its not to be.

to anyone reading this, this isnt anything important, just an attempt to get these feelings out and in one place, in a ledgible form so that i can process them. i cant write in my normal journal at the moment, because shandra would be all over me trying to steal the pen, the book, and rip the pages and do what have you to it.

anyone want a demonic gremlin for a few hours? i wont even charge you for your time... (sorry, an attempt at humor even if i dont feel up to it). t'would be nice if i could just run away to barnes and noble and bury myself in a book with no worries about having to come home to rescue michael from the clutches of the baby... i feel so guilty when i leave him alone with her. its silly i know, but i feel like its my job to be here even if hes watching her... i dont know why. i guess just cause im a stay at home mom, and battle depression, i feel like its my lot to stay here and deal with the care of her 24/7 without a break, and maybe thats why this post is here... because i dont allow my brain a break even if michael gives my body one.