Monday, November 22, 2010


yeah, its been a while. Sorry. Will try to update more.

*Laptop is down, so I dont have the big "blogger" bookmark in front of me, so I forget. Plus Im horrible at writing. I signed up for the national novel writers month thingy, got 539 words in, and promptly quit.
*Working on Christmas presents now for family. Knitted dishcloths, crocheted blankets, store bought stuffed animals for the kids, and such and such. Hopefully will finish before xmas.
*Not feeling well today, got a cold. bleh.
*Still working at Cold Stone and still a supervisor, but doing closing shifts now. Not liking it anymore and wanting to quit, but need to stay in a job so Mike can go to school and get his CNA thingy so he can quit walmart and work at the hospital. So looking for something else because im sick of the stereotypical highschool bull$h!t that is going on with the coworkers.
*Missing my mommy and wishing I could fly down and spend a couple weeks with her, but the plane ticket prices are way to expensive for that to happen... : (
*Wishing I could afford to quit and stay home and make fun things for my baby.
*Wishing I could afford to go get my nails and hair done....

One thing I am so happy to report, is our little one is doing so well now. S/he is so very active and bouncing and dancing most days for hours. : ) And today, Mike finally got to feel him/her kick. It made me so happy I almost started crying. Im so looking forward to the day she or he is born, and I can hold my sweet little bundle of joy and snuggle her and not let her go for a few hours. I really miss being a mommy.

Anyways, will try to update more often. Im 20 weeks now, it will be nice if I can update atleast once a week, but Im not going to hold my breath knowing how bad at updating I am.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

random update

Was planning on continuing the tale of our adventure to Anchorage and Seward today, but probably wont. I will leave that for another day or time.
*shruggs* Not feeling so hot right now, I think I'm coming down with a cold, and have a cold sore on the corner of my bottom lip as proof. Yay! *rolls eyes*
Today I had the day off, and was planning on going to church, but Michael had to work, and I didn't get myself out of bed to take him to work. So that meant, no car. Oh well. I'll try to go next week. I know he works again next Sunday, so hopefully we will get to sleep earlier next Saturday.

He opened up his availability at work, because they have been dangling a promotion in front of him but told him he had to have completely open availability to be able to receive it. But it looks as though he was just asked if he wanted it to see if he would start working on Sundays. His one supervisor thinks that all of his workers should have to work on Sunday even if he (the supervisor) doesn't. Which is bunk, but oh well. Mike says if he isn't given the promotion within two weeks, he will change his availability back to no Sundays, and also no Mondays so he will actually have 2 days off in a row, instead of it popping randomly around the week as they see fit. He has been told that because of corporate doing the scheduling now, its against their policies to give you two days off in a row. Which is complete and total bunk, but that's what you get for working at a soul sucking company like Walmart. To any who might read my blog, I encourage you to never work for Walmart, and to encourage your friends and family not to work for them either. If you can afford it or have the choice, I would also say to boycott them, but at the moment Michael and I can not afford it, so it will have to wait until someday when he is working somewhere else so we can afford to not to have to use the discount card he gets for working there.

Anyways, other than that, seems like the pregnancy is going okay. Tired, and bloated, cranky and achy is whats on the agenda, but yeah. No spotting and no real cramping to speak of, so hopefully all is well. I will see if I will be able to get an ultrasound this week to be able to see how the lil baby bean is doing a progressing.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A very busy weekend

That's what I had. A very busy weekend. So, the 10Th was my birthday, and Michael wanted to go all out for me to celebrate. We drove down to Anchorage and Seward to celebrate. And Oh My Gosh, it was AMAZING!

Saturday night we got everything packed up, and left town at about midnight. We drove and drove and drove. We found out that we probably didn't have to leave that early (later), but oh well. It was a nice peaceful drive other than the fact of both of us being tired (neither of us had slept since that morning) and me having to pee a lot. Plus we both had to keep stopping to stretch because we were oh so stiff, and to wake up. But we made really good time, even with it being dark and me driving slowly to avoid animals (of which we saw like 3 moose on their way back into forest and not into the road, thank goodness). We made it to Wasilla, and we stopped to eat at IHop, as Michael and I have both been missing it. I have been craving waffles with fruit on top, so I went for that even though they had some crepes that sounded to die for! Crepes with Nutella inside and strawberries and whipped cream on top! Yum. Definitely will be going back for those later.

Anyways, went on the road again, and made it to Anchorage at like 9 AM, which was way early. We weren't going to be able to check into the hotel until 3PM, so we found the 5Th Avenue Mall. Which I have to tell you, is what a mall is supposed to be like. 5 stories people! 5 stories of shops and services, and food. But, everything was closed. We had accidentally gotten there about 2 hours before they even opened. Oops! We were worried we would get in trouble, but nothing came of it. So we decided to try to go find the hotel and just sleep in the car in the parking lot. On our way out, we walked across a big glass walkway that is 4 stories above the traffic to get to the parking garage, which I have to say was really cool. We got in the car and headed to the hotel. Unfortunately I fell asleep, and Michael was lost in Anchorage for over an hour just trying to get us to the Hotel. But finally we got there.

We went inside to ask if maybe it might be okay if we checked in early, but they had just had all the previous guests check out (check out is at 11 AM at Executive Suites), and the house keeping had just arrived so they said it would be another hour or 2. So we slept in the car for about 30 minutes but it was uncomfortable, so we walked across the parking lot to the McDonalds that shared the same parking lot and got some fries and a McFlurry to share to waste time. Went back to the car and tried to nap a bit, and finally at about 12:30 PM I decided to go ask if it was possible if we could check in, and Yes! It was. They got us in and it was glorious! We laid down in the bed and slept for a good six hours (the alarm clock sucked), and found out that since it was Sunday, pretty much everything had closed. So, Michael and I decided to just lay in bed and watch TV and sleep for the rest of the night, which was okay, because we needed it, and it was romantic just cuddling away from home and worries. : )

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Not much going on

Just thought I would update even though there isn't much going on. I made a resolution to update my blog more often, so I'm gonna!

We made the reservations for our hotel for our Anchorage and Seward Vacation last night, and we are pretty happy about that. I wish we had the money to stay longer, but oh well. At least we will have two nights in a hotel. I am gonna look at camping sites to see if we wanna camp out for a night so that we can stay one day longer, but I will do that in a little bit.

Still working, Andrea knows about my little surprise and she is happy, so that's all good. : ) Hoping to keep working until January or so, and then relax after that. But if I work till February, that will have been a year in one job with no real problems. : ) So I'm starting to do better. Its getting easier not to be discouraged with myself, when I look at the progress I'm making in my life.

Working on my knitting still, I will be happy when I do quit my job for the main reason of my hands will stop hurting so much, and I can start knitting and crocheting more often again. : D

Anyways, I think that's all for now.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

General life

Not much is going on. Just finished my week of opening the store. I'm glad I get two days off, as I was starting to get really frustrated with stuff going on. Truly told, it was really nothing big, just lots of little things adding up over time, like everyone inability to properly sweep and mop the lobby floor. I don't want to have to do that, since its really not my job. Its night crews job to clean, morning crews job to stock. I don't think I should have to sweep and mop the floor when I get there in the morning when it is on their list of things to do NIGHTLY! *sighs* oh well.

In other news, I am doing better at getting more water in me. Wednesday I drank 32 oz, Thursday I drank 24 oz, Friday I drank 20 oz, and today I drank over 40 oz. Now, while I realize that its recommended to drink 64 oz of water daily, I have almost never done that in my life, so 40 oz of water in one day is pretty dang awesome for me. : )

Today I was attempting to read and knit and relax at Barnes and Noble for a few hours, but yeah, fell asleep in front of the fire place so decided to come home to sleep here. Haven't gone yet, but that's okay as Michael has gone out to hang out with one of his friends from work. Which I am quite enjoying. He is getting time with someone other than me, I'm getting some quite time alone (as he has taken to always wanting background noise and motion, AKA a movie or video game... Music on the computer isn't doing it for him where as it is just fine for me)... But right now the only noise I hear is the clicking of the keys and the fan going.

Today I did submit my poem "Memorial" to possibly be published in a book called "From a lullaby to Goodbye", which will be published to help people who have lost their children to SIDS, and or other things, whether it be accidents or diseases. It will be nice if it is accepted, but if not, oh well. I was going to submit a written story detailing our experiences, but between work, being tired and not feeling well and being lazy and slacking, I never got around to it. Today was the cut off for submissions. Hopefully it counted that I sent it at 11:30 PM my time, but I doubt it. Oh well. We shall see. Anyways, its the thought that counts.

I think I might go jump in the shower again, lol, as it is so freaking hot in my house. I wish I had air conditioning. All I have is this meager fan and its not doing much. Oh well. Goodnight, blogger land.

Monday, July 26, 2010

: )

Happy news last night... Looking for health insurance now, and hoping to get some soon. Also hoping that everything goes well like it did last time, well, at least up until the end. But we shall see. For now, I'm a happy Moyruh. : )

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Just won an auction on Ebay, which is like the first time I have ever done that without using the buy it now feature. I got an Ipod! So excited. Its my birthday present. : )
Happy 26!
Cant wait to get it.
But now I have been an idiot and stayed up until 3 am and have to be to work at 9 am. This is going to suck. Oh well, Thank the Lord for coffee. Will be living off of it today I think. Anyways, going to bed NOW, even though its like the fifth time Ive said that to myself in the last 2 hours... bleh.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


So much for my resolution to write more on my blog in the year 2010 huh? Haven't even looked at this thing in a couple o' months. So I'm going to attempt to rectify that. I put the blogger page as number one visible book mark in Google Chrome's bookmark bar, so I see it and will be more apt to write down what I am thinking or feeling. Hopefully at least.

Not feeling so good right now, gotta get to bed so I can sleep, gottsta work today at 11 am, and its working on 2 am... So much FUN!! *rolls eyes*

Saturday, April 10, 2010

A bit of happiness...

Couple happy happenings to report...

1, I emailed the woman who took Josua's first official portrait in the hospital and told her what happened, and asked if maybe we could get a copyright release so that I could buy one of those throw rugs with his picture on it from Wal-mart... and she is more than willing to do so and will be sending us the CD disk with the photo on it, as well as a copyright release... so it will be something we will be able to do... : )

2, My boss asked me if I wanted to have the shift that she needed someone in who was reliable. Its getting busier during the day at Cold Stone, and she needs someone who can come in and get down to business to help her with what she needs done... And she asked me. It made me quite happy. I gladly accepted. Plus she will be giving me Sundays, Mondays, and Tuesdays off each week, so that will be a happiness and cookies type thing. ^_^

In other news, yesterday there was a bomb scare at the Home Depot that is right across the street from Wal-mart where my husband works. Apparently someone stuck some kind of box in the back of a military personnel's truck and they were afraid it was explosive... not sure why. But apparently it was fine. Thank God. But it is kind of scary when your husband texts you saying he can't leave the store because of a bomb threat.

I went to JoAnn's Fabric and Crafts store on Wednesday to buy a few things, and to say hi to my friend Dana. She told me that they had found a body by the dumpster out back. That's kind of scary. Apparently though it was an exposure death. Its been getting warmer recently, and I guess some guy thought it was okay to go to sleep outside, but it didn't turn out how he had imagined. He was 63 the report on said... Maybe he was homeless and drunk? Ionno, the report didn't say. Still scary though.

I love Alaska, and I love Fairbanks, but its still kind of scary to know that these things are on your door step, so to speak....

Monday, April 5, 2010

Easter weekend review

Well, its been a while since I have posted...
Life in general is happening, as it does to all.

In Late February, I got a job at Cold Stone Creamery. We tried to make it through Josua's birthday on the 3rd as best we could. The 18th was worse. I miss my son.

I decided I wanted a tattoo for myself, to memorialize my son. I am doing a lot to try to memorialize him in ways for him, such as trying to raise support for SIDS organizations for research. Someday I still plan on buying lots of the books SIDS & Infant Death Survival Guide(the book that got me through Josua's death and funeral) and getting them into hospitals to help others who are grieving... But I needed something for me. So, I decided on a tattoo. I went onto Deviant Art and was looking at tattoo's to see if I could find something I liked, so that I could try to commission someone to do a tattoo for me... But then within the first page of searching under the "tattoo" search term, was a gorgeous picture of a heart with a lotus and angel wings. I was in love. I knew it was what I wanted. So, I started saving up my tips from Cold stone, and saved and saved.

Saturday, I was able to get my tattoo started. Its far from finished. I still need to have the line work heal, and in a month or so I will be heading back for the color, and the text, with my sons name and the dates... 03-03-2009 and 03-18-2009 in banners... Im looking forward to its completion. Im not sure I will get any more after that one, but we shall see. It hurt. A lot. But I made it through. My son is worth it.

I miss him....

Its so hard to see my friends on Facebook right now, all announcing pregnancies or births of highly anticipated children... And yet like a typical me, I still go through and read these posts, hanging off them and congratulating my friends... all the while its killing me inside. Watching the link to the NBC? segment on another womans blog about her son and his miraculous recover had me sobbing. Yes, deep inside I know that there was a reason why my son was taken and not returned like little baby B was... I know it was to teach us somethings that we needed to know... but why couldn't have something else happened to teach us those things? I think we would have learned even if we had been given our son back... why can't we have him? Why can't I get pregnant again? I... *sighs* Im trying to pull myself together right now, but its oh so hard. I want to be a mommy. I want to be a mommy for MY SON. But I failed him... And I will have to live with that for the rest of my days...

I think I am need of something entirely fattening and not so good for me... brownies it is....

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

March 3rd.... year 1

So, today is March 3rd. In other words, it would have been my son Josua's first birthday. I miss him so much and wish he was here with us to celebrate. I wish we could give him a piece of cake and take lots of pictures of him making a mess of himself as he ate, and then having to wash him afterwards. I wish we could give him lots of presents and sing to him. I wish I could just hold him. But truly told I think the hardest thing right now is that he is in Utah and I am unable to get there to spend sometime at his grave. To talk to him and tell him I love him. To sit and meditate by him and my brother, and all those who have gone on before us.

I miss you my baby bear. My little belly bean. Its been almost a year since you have been gone. I will never stop missing or loving you baby. No matter what.

Please make sure the angels up there where you are sing you a wonderful happy birthday song, and please try to enjoy the cake that we get for you. Daddy and I are going to get you a cake and candles, and sing happy birthday to you as well.
Mommy may even get a tattoo... we shall see. I doubt it will happen today, but mommy would love to do it, in her own way of a memory for you. Either that or she will ask daddy if she can make a gift basket to take to the hospital to be given to a new mommy and daddy in memory of you. That may happen... we will have to see.
Anyways, later today we are going to go to the ice sculpture park to see all the awesome ice sculptures, just like we would have done if you were still here with us.
We love you little one. And miss you oh so much. Mommy can only hope that you know that, since she doesn't feel your presence anymore...
I miss that warm feeling I got when I thought I felt you hugging me and watching me. It was probably just my imagination, but it felt real to me. And I loved it. And I miss it now that I don't have it anymore.
I miss you....
I love you.

What is a decent memorial?
Money donated in ones name?
Races run for a cure?
Ink beneath the skin?
A hug given to a sad child?
Research about a cause?
Books written? breathes taken?
Heart beats counted?
Tears shed?

Who can decide?
Why is one way any more fitting than another?
Why is one way more Just than another?
Why is one more God-like, more religious?
More moral, More ethic?
Why can't a memorial be just that,
a memorial?
Memories are what keep us alive.
A life lived is memories,
Tears cried
Skinned knees
Sweat and blood
These are memories.
A memorial is to remember.
Why can I not etch your name in my skin,
so that those who never knew you
ask of you?

Why must I always bring you up,
to the frustration of those around me?
Aren't you over that yet?
No, I am not
I will never be over it
I am a person bereft of a love
Whether you are father or friend,
Son or sister,
You are my love
You are my heart
Steadily beating
You are my breath
My strength
You are the life I keep on living
To be with all those who you left behind.

I am a friend
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a mother

Do not coddle me
Do not judge me
Just remember those who I wish to be remembered
Do not ask how or why I chose to memorialize them
Just know that they mean something to me
In my tears, my smiles
My embraces
My happiness and my sadness
They are me
They are you
They are the Lord Himself
They are love


Mommy wrote that for you sweetheart. I hope you like it. I love you.
I'm going to go take a shower and blow dry my hair so that I can try to enjoy the day to spend with your daddy remembering you, more than we usually do anyways.
Love you...

Monday, March 1, 2010

Am I just the most horrible person ever? I can't even stand to see my friends' children anymore without wanting to stab my eyes out in pain... because if I watch, my heart siezures and I want to cry.

Maybe its because he would have been one year old on the 3rd, and Its hard not to think of what he would be like now... firsts of everything...
I want my son back...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

... continued

Well today got my little present from mother nature... I was hopeful at first, but that was a huge let down. I think I need to stop allowing myself to hope. I need to stop allowing myself to get all excited to think I am yet again pregnant, thinking that I might be allowed to have another chance to be a mommy, and then be devastated to find out that it is not so.

It frustrates me so, looking at things about adoption, where the prices are so high, and you have to jump through so many hopes. Now don't get me wrong, I completely understand that they need to make sure that a child will be taken care of, and will not be abused... But they make it impossible for someone like Michael and I who would love to take a child and love them, and to help them and raise them to know that they are loved. We can not afford to go through the hoops, and the courts, we cannot afford the fancy people in the office and flying away to visit another land to arrange all sorts of things. Why is it that we cannot find a family who is struggling, and have them talk to us? Why can we not take the child, and love it and feed it and clothe it? Why can't the government take care of its future, and provide health insurance for said child? Wouldn't that make things better? I mean, a young couple who are faced with a life they are not ready for is given another choice that still ends in life, and my husband and I are able to be happy raising a family. And the child is given loving parents. They force us, those who want to adopt, to jump through hoops to adopt, yet day in and day out there are those who are lucky enough to have their own children, and then they abuse them, and they are not investigated before pregnancy to make sure they are fit parents. To make sure that they can provide for their child, to make sure they wont abuse them and that they can feed them. Why is it this way? *sighs* Okay, enough of my rambling and venting and run on sentences. Perhaps I will expound more on this topic later, when I am feeling less run on sentence-y.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


2 days late... 1 - hpt....

Monday, February 15, 2010

The day after V day

Well, the day didn't start out the greatest. We had a fight around midnight, then went to bed. Didn't wake up the the alarm so missed church. Then when we did wake up, things were tense, and Mike would NOT stop apologizing about not getting me anything for V day. But then I realized I needed to go to Wal-mart to get my Rx, so we went. He got me a beautiful plant, a pretty throw thingie that I had wanted and was finally on sale for $2 (down from something over $20), and a bracelet watch. We bought the last ingredients needed for our spare rib dinner I was going to make. We went out on a drive and I took a butt load of pictures. Then we came home and watched movies while I worked on dinner. It turned out really really good, and it is a recipe we are planning on keeping and doing again. Then watched another movie while Mike played on the computer and I worked on a knitting project. Went to bed, and had a good sleep.

It was a pretty okay day yesterday. : )

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I hate not feeling good...

So I was going to go to a Folk Festival today, but woke up not feeling good so I decided to stay home. I have no idea why I am not feeling good SO often now a days, but don't have the money to get to a dr and find out. Though I am going to have to next month, so I can get another Rx for my anti depressants. I am hoping they will believe me that I don't have my job anymore, so they will knock down the price for me.

On the bright side, I thought it was pretty dang awesome that I got my friend request approved by Juliet Marillier, the author of some books my friend Amber and I love. So dang awesome. : D Happiness and cookies, that.

Called my mom today and said hi... But got frustrated with her and decided to get off the phone. Good thing it was on long distance minutes anyways, so I didn't have to think up an excuse. She told me that one of the Dr's that worked on Josua at the ER asked how I was doing. She told him I was doing great. When I mentioned that she didn't hear me sobbing... what was it, yesterday? Because I missed my son so much, she kind of blew me off and mentioned that it will stop soon and I will get over it. *shakes my head* You don't tell someone who has lost their child that they will "get over it". She should know, she has had several miscarriages and a still born or two. But then again, I do have to remind myself that she is 82, and having a lot of problems with dementia or Alzheimer's. So I need to sit back, breathe, and try to consider the source.

Today I looked up home made beauty treatments. I hope to try to make a face mask and a hair mask and go sit and soak in a warm bath when Michael gets home from work. Then I can relax and he can have fun playing his Evony online. I think I will probably get off soon, seeing as I have been on the computer for about 12 hours now... And I will go work on my little baby kimono wrap until Michael gets home, and see if I cant get a bit more done. : )

Friday, February 12, 2010

I hate feeling like this...

I have been following a story on a blog of a mothers moment of distraction turned into a dreaded reality. Her son drowned in the bath tub. But due to quick action (a slightly older brother trying to pull him out of the bath tub, mom knowing CPR, and oldest brother (6) calling 911), he was able to be revived. He was flown to a great hospital in their area, and has been given many miraculous treatments. He is recovering, and quickly. He is becoming himself again.

Mom posted a video of son enjoying family singing one of his favorite songs while he was in the hospital (still not out of the woods, but doing oh so much better), and I started sobbing. Some of the tears were of joy, yes. I have been praying hard for this little boy and his family.

But a LOT of the tears were of sadness, anger, and jealousy. I hate to admit that I am human, and keep asking "Why?". Why couldn't this be our story to. Why couldn't we be posting this miraculous type of story on our blog to the joy of all our family and friends? Why cant we be in our old house wondering how the .... we will manage to pay the medical bills, instead of still thanking everyone so much in all the help they gave us arranging and paying for things funeral and otherwise related. Why did I have to write the thank you cards for everything every one did to help out during that week, instead of thank you cards for prayers, and bringing us clean clothes and returning library books while we sat at our sons side in the hospital. Why.

I do not hold anything against this wonderful woman and her courageous family. At All. I just... I hate feeling human like this. I hate that I have to admit to these undesirable feelings. Why cant I just be all happy and giddy about the fact that life is going well for someone else who has beaten the odds, like they were meant to?

I have to have faith. I have to believe that there is a bigger purpose in all this, otherwise I think I will be bald soon from ripping my hair out.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Its been a while

.. A Lot has changed since I last posted. A LOT.

Well, in losing our son Josua, we got a lot of sympathy money. And with it, we decided we were going to move. We wanted to start over, so we did. We packed almost all of our things up in a storage shed, and bought our plane tickets. We bought luggage and chose what clothes to bring, packed them up, and on June 15th, we got on a plane that took us away from Utah all the way to Alaska. Thats right, Alaska. It a far cry away from Utah. And the culture is quite a bit different as well.

But I will get on about that later... I dont really feel up to it right now... now more than anything, I just need to vent. I feel like I am floundering. I dont know what to think or to feel anymore. Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, I realized that in just a tiny bit over a month, it will have been 1 full year since Josua was born... and then... two weeks later. No, I dont want to think about that right now.

But I dont know what to think or feel. I have been having dreams of my high school sweet heart Rian, and it is making things difficult. I have come to realize that as much as I thought that the feelings I had for him were gone, I have a lot of unresolved issues with him. And its hard. I have tried to contact him to appologise for what happened between us (on facebook), but he deleted his account. Apparently he has no wish for any contact with me, and sadly I do understand, because I put him through a lot of shit when he was with me. I wish there was something I could do to go back in time and make it right, but it will never happen, and I will never be able to repair that bridge I have burned. And what hurts is that I have been having dreams of him breaking it off with his wife, and me breaking up with Michael, and Rian and I getting back together. Yeah, right, that will never happen... but it still doesnt make the feelings that those dreams stir up go away. So the other day I got looking on facebook again, and found his wifes profile. She has a picture of her and him on it, and he was kissing her cheek, and it brought back such sadness, because once upon a time I thought that would be me.,.. it just, stresses me out... I wish it would all go away....

Then it doesnt help that I have been participating in forums on a website called ravelry recently, and I have been following a thread where they are talking about how sad it is that people with bachelor degrees are having a hard time finding decent jobs worthy of them and paying a decent amount, and all it has done is make me feel all the more pathetic. They have bachelors degrees and are having a hard time getting a job. I have nothing other than a HS diploma and a list of failed attempts at college under my name. How can I even think I could find something decent? I feel like a miserable, pathetic failure. I am unemployed, and I am not in school, I dont do much around the house to help my husband, and yet my depression is getting worse and it is making all this seem even worse than what it is, and is making me get deeper and deeper back into the dark... so now its hard for me to get out of bed to even try....

I tried to contact a cosmetology school to see what info I could get.... I like playing with hair and nails, so maybe I should try to do that for a living... and yet its been like 4 days and havent gotten anything... perhaps even they realize its not worth it to contact me. I feel so pathetic. I have such a long string of jobs behind me that I just abandoned because I didnt feel like working. I have screwed my whole life up pretty much because of my damn depression and such, and I dont know how to fix it. Sometimes I wish that I could just stop... Stop feeling, stop thinking... stop breathing. But I know it wont fix things... It will just make them worse (for those who love me)... So its not something I can do... But I hate to have to go back to the drs and tell them my meds are NOT working, and that I need something new. I am so afraid I am going to have to spend the rest of my life on antidepressants... I am not sure if that is a life worth living, because who wants to know that for the rest of their life they will feel like this if they dont use a medication...? I wouldnt wish this feeling on my worst enemy... Everyone needs to feel wanted and loved... everyone needs to feel useful and needed. I know my family and friends love me and want me around, but its a laugh to think that I feel needed or useful. I feel like I am just in the way and that everything would be so much better if I was not around.... I think I need to call a dr... I just dont know what meds I need, and if I will be able to afford them....