Well, in losing our son Josua, we got a lot of sympathy money. And with it, we decided we were going to move. We wanted to start over, so we did. We packed almost all of our things up in a storage shed, and bought our plane tickets. We bought luggage and chose what clothes to bring, packed them up, and on June 15th, we got on a plane that took us away from Utah all the way to Alaska. Thats right, Alaska. It a far cry away from Utah. And the culture is quite a bit different as well.
But I will get on about that later... I dont really feel up to it right now... now more than anything, I just need to vent. I feel like I am floundering. I dont know what to think or to feel anymore. Last night as I was trying to get to sleep, I realized that in just a tiny bit over a month, it will have been 1 full year since Josua was born... and then... two weeks later. No, I dont want to think about that right now.
But I dont know what to think or feel. I have been having dreams of my high school sweet heart Rian, and it is making things difficult. I have come to realize that as much as I thought that the feelings I had for him were gone, I have a lot of unresolved issues with him. And its hard. I have tried to contact him to appologise for what happened between us (on facebook), but he deleted his account. Apparently he has no wish for any contact with me, and sadly I do understand, because I put him through a lot of shit when he was with me. I wish there was something I could do to go back in time and make it right, but it will never happen, and I will never be able to repair that bridge I have burned. And what hurts is that I have been having dreams of him breaking it off with his wife, and me breaking up with Michael, and Rian and I getting back together. Yeah, right, that will never happen... but it still doesnt make the feelings that those dreams stir up go away. So the other day I got looking on facebook again, and found his wifes profile. She has a picture of her and him on it, and he was kissing her cheek, and it brought back such sadness, because once upon a time I thought that would be me.,.. it just, stresses me out... I wish it would all go away....
Then it doesnt help that I have been participating in forums on a website called ravelry recently, and I have been following a thread where they are talking about how sad it is that people with bachelor degrees are having a hard time finding decent jobs worthy of them and paying a decent amount, and all it has done is make me feel all the more pathetic. They have bachelors degrees and are having a hard time getting a job. I have nothing other than a HS diploma and a list of failed attempts at college under my name. How can I even think I could find something decent? I feel like a miserable, pathetic failure. I am unemployed, and I am not in school, I dont do much around the house to help my husband, and yet my depression is getting worse and it is making all this seem even worse than what it is, and is making me get deeper and deeper back into the dark... so now its hard for me to get out of bed to even try....
I tried to contact a cosmetology school to see what info I could get.... I like playing with hair and nails, so maybe I should try to do that for a living... and yet its been like 4 days and havent gotten anything... perhaps even they realize its not worth it to contact me. I feel so pathetic. I have such a long string of jobs behind me that I just abandoned because I didnt feel like working. I have screwed my whole life up pretty much because of my damn depression and such, and I dont know how to fix it. Sometimes I wish that I could just stop... Stop feeling, stop thinking... stop breathing. But I know it wont fix things... It will just make them worse (for those who love me)... So its not something I can do... But I hate to have to go back to the drs and tell them my meds are NOT working, and that I need something new. I am so afraid I am going to have to spend the rest of my life on antidepressants... I am not sure if that is a life worth living, because who wants to know that for the rest of their life they will feel like this if they dont use a medication...? I wouldnt wish this feeling on my worst enemy... Everyone needs to feel wanted and loved... everyone needs to feel useful and needed. I know my family and friends love me and want me around, but its a laugh to think that I feel needed or useful. I feel like I am just in the way and that everything would be so much better if I was not around.... I think I need to call a dr... I just dont know what meds I need, and if I will be able to afford them....
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