Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dear Josua

Dear Josua,
Today is April 5th. It's been 18 days since you grew your wings and went back to our Heavenly Father. I'm trying to write to you today because I think I may finally have a little strength to do it.
I miss you so much my baby boy. I was so proud of you, and that's why I loved showing you off to my friends, and I adored it when people told me how beautiful you were. And they were right. You were so beautiful. Its hard to believe that I won't get to see that beauty as you grow up. I wonder what you would have looked like when you were older. I mourn the fact that I will not see you grow up here on Earth. I mourn the fact that I will not have all the time with you that I thought I would have, and all the firsts that I will miss, such as First tooth, First words, First crawl, First steps, First day of school... the list goes on and on. I miss the fact that I would have gotten to see you fall in love someday, and have children of your own. I miss singing to you. I miss holding you in my arms and having you stare up at me.
There are so many things I miss, my little Angel. Its so hard to look in the room and see your bassinet empty of you, but filled with stuff that belonged to you. I haven't told your daddy, but sometimes I have a hard time believing your gone, and have started looking for you. I have woken up twice thinking I heard you cry, and several other times just figuring it was time to wake you up to eat and get your diaper changed.
Right now there is only one thing in this world that I would not trade to have you back, and that is your daddy. It wouldn't be right having you and not him with me. We are supposed to be a family, living happily together with life's ups and downs going on around us.
It's still so hard to believe that you are gone my sweetheart. And I am afraid that I am losing you, because this is all becoming so surreal to me. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what you looked like, or smelled like. How you sounded, and your funny expressions. Right now the only thing I can remember easily without having to look at a picture is your eyes... Your beautiful dark blue eyes, which is a memory I have I never lose since I have no pictures of your eyes. How I had hoped they would stay that color for the rest of your life.
Right now we are still waiting to hear back from the Medical Examiner/Investigator what they think the cause of your death was. My thoughts are that SIDS took you away from me (as the human/earthly diagnosis goes)... I know that you were just to perfect to have to stay here, so the Lord took you home to be with him.
I believe that the reason you smiled and giggled in your sleep so much was because you were seeing angels. Were they the ones who came and took you safely to Heavenly Father's arms? I hope so. I kept getting such a feeling of peace, and of heaven when you did that, so there MUST have been angels with you.
I love you my little boy, and I always will. And I will always remember you, no matter how hard it gets sometimes. Your daddy loves you to, and he hopes you know that.

... saying goodbye is so hard... its not getting any easier as the days go on...

Lost on what to do...

I'm rather irritated at this blog... I want to put a picture in my header, but it won't work! Ack! I don't know if it's my Internet connection (dial up, Yuck!), or if it's something else, due to the fact that pictures will upload, it just won't work for the header. Grr.

Friday, April 3, 2009


There are so many thoughts going through my head and heart right now. The grief is overwhelming sometimes, and at other times all I feel is numbness. I'm not sure what to do or think, or where to go from here.

I went to a website of an organization called Tiny Hand prints, and requested a SIDS survivor packet. We are still not sure if it was SIDS or not, but the feelings in my heart say it was.

Its so weird... we were so worried about SIDS, it was never far from our minds, but never did I think that it would ACTUALLY happen! And now that it has, my fear has come true, its... weird. I don't know how else to describe it. Its just... a numbness... a wow, I was right to be worried. I'm not sure what else to think about it. Its as weird as going to the store or to Michael's school and seeing people walking around as if nothing had happened. But then again, I cant expect their worlds to stop just because ours did...

Today I asked Michael something that I think hurt him, but I didn't mean to hurt him... I asked him if Josua was real. For most of the pregnancy, we were worried about losing him because of the fact that I had lost two pregnancies before. So, with me carrying him so long, it was just weird and sort of unreal. I was constantly worried that I was imagining the entire pregnancy, and that I was schizophrenic.. and then he was born, and it was still so surreal. I was just barely starting to get used to the fact that he was real, when he died.... and so now... I am beginning to wonder if he was real at all.

He told me that Josua was real, the pictures and the clothes, the stains on the clothes, the toys I made, the bassinet and car seat, and the grief, tell us that he was real. He is right, but I'm still trying to get used to it.


I have asked Michael if I could buy yarn and make baby blankets to sell, so that I could sponsor some of the books that I got in the SIDS survival packet, and give them to the hospital where my baby was taken, and the local libraries. He said yes, so soon I hope he will let me get started. The people who do that also make a label to affix on the inside of the book, an "in memory of ..." label, that can have a picture of our baby. I want to do that so badly, I want to contribute something to my son's memory...

Another thing I plan on doing is going back to school as soon as I can... I am changing my major... I am going to major in Business, and minor in Photography... I am doing this so that I can start my own company. They have those businesses where they are photography businesses, and they go into the hospital and take babies first official picture. Well, I want to make one of those businesses, but instead of only taking one, I plan on taking quite a few pictures, so in case something happens to the little one, the parents have more than one professional picture of their little one. I plan on charging cheaper prices so families can afford more pictures. And I plan on photographing children who have passed on, and giving the families the pictures for free if possible, even if I or my company takes it as a loss.

The mission will be to make sure that families have as many pictures of their children as possible, so if, God forbid, the worst happens, they have those memories to keep.....

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Twinkle twinkle
Little star,
Is my baby
Where you are?
Up above
The world so high,
Enjoying heaven,
As we cry?
Twinkle twinkle,
Please shine bright,
Give my boy,
A kiss tonight.

My Birth Story, Josua Dominic Nolan

... On March 3rd, 2009... at 12:10 AM, my water broke as I stood up to go to the bathroom after I was sitting on the computer chatting with friends. I called my husband at work, and told him my water had broke, and told him I was going to go take a shower and shave my legs while I was waiting for him to drive the 60 miles between him at work and where we are living with my parents. So I showered. When I got out I called the Labor and Delivery ward at Timpanogas hospital in Orem, and asked them if I should come in, even though I had not had any contractions. They told me to come in. My mom blow dried my hair while I waited. I just kept gushing and gushing amniotic fluid. I thought it would never end. I tried to eat something, but it wasn't something that I wanted to do (eat).

As we already had the baby bag and my bag packed for the hospital, Michael just grabbed some blankets, we got our Medical card and my camera bag, and got in the car. We stopped on our way to the hospital to buy some film, and then got to the hospital. They hooked me up to the machines to watch Josua's heart rate and my contractions rate. The contractions had started at about 1:15 AM, about 1 hour after my water broke. Unfortunately, my contractions were very erratic and inconsistent, so they decided to hook me up to Pitocin. I really did NOT want Pitocin, but I wasn't in the mood to fight with them. I was not happy with the first nurse Melody, who messed up twice when trying to put in the IV line. She wanted it in my upper arm, not in the back of my hand or in the crook of my elbow. And she made both sides of my left arm have exploded veins. Finally, she sent in another nurse named Debbie to do it in the right arm. Three bruises for one IV. I wasn't happy. But oh well. They got the IV in, and the Pitocin. I hate Pitocin, because it intensifies the contractions BADLY. I wanted my epidural then, but they wouldn't let me have it until all the fluids from the IV were in me.

Finally the IV was empty and they hooked up another one, and upped the drip of my Pitocin. When I had arrived, I was at a 3 cm. I had a few bad contractions right before the anaesthesiologist (sp?) came in, and they were not pleasant. Finally he got the epidural in. I hated that, it hurt, but I think it was better than going without one. It was interesting, because my legs went completely numb, and so did my body from the epidural site down, so they had to hold me up so I didn't fall over. They laid me down, and it was so nice because I didn't feel a thing of contractions from then on out. It was irritating that I couldn't move my legs, but at least I amused Michael and the nurses by occasionally celebrating the fact that I moved my right leg a quarter of an inch.

Michael called Amber, my best friend, and she said she would be there soon so that she could photograph Josua's birth. A little after that a nurse came in and checked my cervix. I was over 90% effaced, and she was able to stretch me to a 5 and a half. Michael called Terrilyn, my other best friend, and told her about what was going on. While we were waiting for Amber to arrive, we just sat and talked to the nurses and watched TV. Eventually Amber arrived. It was sweet, she had come prepared to be there for a LONG time... She had even brought a book to read to me. I think it was about 5 AM when she got there. We sat and talked for a while. Around 7 AM Terrilyn arrived. It really was nice having them sitting and talking while I was going through everything, and it was actually really helpful. It helped to distract me from my nervousness and anxiety about the delivery.

Around 8 AM, the nurse checked me and I was actually at 10 cm. I was surprised, because I had heard that transition phase, or 7 cm up, was the worst part of labor. It didn't phase me at all. : )

About 8 AM, they had me start pushing. They had to tell me when to push during a contraction due to the fact that the epidural was TOO effective. Michael and Amber held my legs while I pushed, and Michael helped count out the length of the push. After each pushing episode, Everyone started talking again, and truly told, I would recommend that distraction to ALL laboring moms. I hope to have that kind of distraction the next time I am in that situation. Around 8:15 AM ish, they made me stop pushing so that I could wait for the doctor to show up. That was annoying. I will make sure next time to tell the nurses that I want the doctor to be THERE before I start pushing. Anyways, the doctor finally showed up what felt like forever later, but it was only like 5 minutes later. I started pushing again, and at 8:32 AM, my beautiful beautiful son, Josua, was born. He was 6 pounds 8 ounces, and 19 inches long. He was so beautiful, and I remember how beautiful his cry was. His daddy Michael got to cut his umbilical cord, and I was able to watch. I hope I will never forget that memory.

The stupid doctor had cut me (episiostomy), so they cleaned my baby up while the doctor stitched me up. I finally got to hold him, and I remember how beautiful he was as he looked up at me. He had such beautiful dark blue eyes, and his coloring was BEAUTIFUL, not pale or splotchy like newborns normally are. He had a little bit of a cone head, but it wasn't bad.

We played pass the baby as Terrilyn took pictures with her digital camera (my camera's batteries were dead without me knowing it. I wish I had known she had her camera with her, because I would have had her take pictures of Michael cutting Josua's umbilical cord). Eventually Michael and the nurse took Josua to give him his first bath while I took a nap, as I had been awake for MANY MANY hours since I hadn't slept all night.

We spent two days in the hospital, and I got to bond with my baby. I miss being in the hospital actually, because I had help when I needed it due to healing the stitches, and the food was great.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Josua Dominic Nolan

March 3rd, 2009 - March 18th, 2009

God, Take This Child....
By Nancy Scott
Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.
We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.
We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.
It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.
God, we stand before you broken-hearted
and ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.
God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can he suffer any harm.
Bless him always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

Viewing will be at Rasmussen Mortuary Tuesday, March 24th, 2009, from 1:00 PM to 2:30 PM. Graveside Services will be held at Mt. Pleasant Cemetery, at 3:00 PM.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Im seriously horrible at this...

Okay, so I really need to start keeping this up to date more often. I haven't written in forever!

Well, what I am planning on doing is as soon as I find my notebook that has all the letters I have written to my baby it in, I will transcribe them to this, so that they can look a LOT better, and they will be more permanent. I am also planning on printing them all out and putting them in a three ring binder, with page protectors, and using that to keep them safe so that someday I can give them to our Little bit.

I really need to get atleast a few pregnancy pictures to put in the binder as well. Well, anyways, I think this is it for today, as I dont know what else to comment on.