Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dear Josua

Dear Josua,
Today is April 5th. It's been 18 days since you grew your wings and went back to our Heavenly Father. I'm trying to write to you today because I think I may finally have a little strength to do it.
I miss you so much my baby boy. I was so proud of you, and that's why I loved showing you off to my friends, and I adored it when people told me how beautiful you were. And they were right. You were so beautiful. Its hard to believe that I won't get to see that beauty as you grow up. I wonder what you would have looked like when you were older. I mourn the fact that I will not see you grow up here on Earth. I mourn the fact that I will not have all the time with you that I thought I would have, and all the firsts that I will miss, such as First tooth, First words, First crawl, First steps, First day of school... the list goes on and on. I miss the fact that I would have gotten to see you fall in love someday, and have children of your own. I miss singing to you. I miss holding you in my arms and having you stare up at me.
There are so many things I miss, my little Angel. Its so hard to look in the room and see your bassinet empty of you, but filled with stuff that belonged to you. I haven't told your daddy, but sometimes I have a hard time believing your gone, and have started looking for you. I have woken up twice thinking I heard you cry, and several other times just figuring it was time to wake you up to eat and get your diaper changed.
Right now there is only one thing in this world that I would not trade to have you back, and that is your daddy. It wouldn't be right having you and not him with me. We are supposed to be a family, living happily together with life's ups and downs going on around us.
It's still so hard to believe that you are gone my sweetheart. And I am afraid that I am losing you, because this is all becoming so surreal to me. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what you looked like, or smelled like. How you sounded, and your funny expressions. Right now the only thing I can remember easily without having to look at a picture is your eyes... Your beautiful dark blue eyes, which is a memory I have I never lose since I have no pictures of your eyes. How I had hoped they would stay that color for the rest of your life.
Right now we are still waiting to hear back from the Medical Examiner/Investigator what they think the cause of your death was. My thoughts are that SIDS took you away from me (as the human/earthly diagnosis goes)... I know that you were just to perfect to have to stay here, so the Lord took you home to be with him.
I believe that the reason you smiled and giggled in your sleep so much was because you were seeing angels. Were they the ones who came and took you safely to Heavenly Father's arms? I hope so. I kept getting such a feeling of peace, and of heaven when you did that, so there MUST have been angels with you.
I love you my little boy, and I always will. And I will always remember you, no matter how hard it gets sometimes. Your daddy loves you to, and he hopes you know that.

... saying goodbye is so hard... its not getting any easier as the days go on...

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