Saturday, April 4, 2009

Dear Josua

Dear Josua,
Today is April 5th. It's been 18 days since you grew your wings and went back to our Heavenly Father. I'm trying to write to you today because I think I may finally have a little strength to do it.
I miss you so much my baby boy. I was so proud of you, and that's why I loved showing you off to my friends, and I adored it when people told me how beautiful you were. And they were right. You were so beautiful. Its hard to believe that I won't get to see that beauty as you grow up. I wonder what you would have looked like when you were older. I mourn the fact that I will not see you grow up here on Earth. I mourn the fact that I will not have all the time with you that I thought I would have, and all the firsts that I will miss, such as First tooth, First words, First crawl, First steps, First day of school... the list goes on and on. I miss the fact that I would have gotten to see you fall in love someday, and have children of your own. I miss singing to you. I miss holding you in my arms and having you stare up at me.
There are so many things I miss, my little Angel. Its so hard to look in the room and see your bassinet empty of you, but filled with stuff that belonged to you. I haven't told your daddy, but sometimes I have a hard time believing your gone, and have started looking for you. I have woken up twice thinking I heard you cry, and several other times just figuring it was time to wake you up to eat and get your diaper changed.
Right now there is only one thing in this world that I would not trade to have you back, and that is your daddy. It wouldn't be right having you and not him with me. We are supposed to be a family, living happily together with life's ups and downs going on around us.
It's still so hard to believe that you are gone my sweetheart. And I am afraid that I am losing you, because this is all becoming so surreal to me. Sometimes I have a hard time remembering what you looked like, or smelled like. How you sounded, and your funny expressions. Right now the only thing I can remember easily without having to look at a picture is your eyes... Your beautiful dark blue eyes, which is a memory I have I never lose since I have no pictures of your eyes. How I had hoped they would stay that color for the rest of your life.
Right now we are still waiting to hear back from the Medical Examiner/Investigator what they think the cause of your death was. My thoughts are that SIDS took you away from me (as the human/earthly diagnosis goes)... I know that you were just to perfect to have to stay here, so the Lord took you home to be with him.
I believe that the reason you smiled and giggled in your sleep so much was because you were seeing angels. Were they the ones who came and took you safely to Heavenly Father's arms? I hope so. I kept getting such a feeling of peace, and of heaven when you did that, so there MUST have been angels with you.
I love you my little boy, and I always will. And I will always remember you, no matter how hard it gets sometimes. Your daddy loves you to, and he hopes you know that.

... saying goodbye is so hard... its not getting any easier as the days go on...

Lost on what to do...

I'm rather irritated at this blog... I want to put a picture in my header, but it won't work! Ack! I don't know if it's my Internet connection (dial up, Yuck!), or if it's something else, due to the fact that pictures will upload, it just won't work for the header. Grr.

Friday, April 3, 2009


There are so many thoughts going through my head and heart right now. The grief is overwhelming sometimes, and at other times all I feel is numbness. I'm not sure what to do or think, or where to go from here.

I went to a website of an organization called Tiny Hand prints, and requested a SIDS survivor packet. We are still not sure if it was SIDS or not, but the feelings in my heart say it was.

Its so weird... we were so worried about SIDS, it was never far from our minds, but never did I think that it would ACTUALLY happen! And now that it has, my fear has come true, its... weird. I don't know how else to describe it. Its just... a numbness... a wow, I was right to be worried. I'm not sure what else to think about it. Its as weird as going to the store or to Michael's school and seeing people walking around as if nothing had happened. But then again, I cant expect their worlds to stop just because ours did...

Today I asked Michael something that I think hurt him, but I didn't mean to hurt him... I asked him if Josua was real. For most of the pregnancy, we were worried about losing him because of the fact that I had lost two pregnancies before. So, with me carrying him so long, it was just weird and sort of unreal. I was constantly worried that I was imagining the entire pregnancy, and that I was schizophrenic.. and then he was born, and it was still so surreal. I was just barely starting to get used to the fact that he was real, when he died.... and so now... I am beginning to wonder if he was real at all.

He told me that Josua was real, the pictures and the clothes, the stains on the clothes, the toys I made, the bassinet and car seat, and the grief, tell us that he was real. He is right, but I'm still trying to get used to it.


I have asked Michael if I could buy yarn and make baby blankets to sell, so that I could sponsor some of the books that I got in the SIDS survival packet, and give them to the hospital where my baby was taken, and the local libraries. He said yes, so soon I hope he will let me get started. The people who do that also make a label to affix on the inside of the book, an "in memory of ..." label, that can have a picture of our baby. I want to do that so badly, I want to contribute something to my son's memory...

Another thing I plan on doing is going back to school as soon as I can... I am changing my major... I am going to major in Business, and minor in Photography... I am doing this so that I can start my own company. They have those businesses where they are photography businesses, and they go into the hospital and take babies first official picture. Well, I want to make one of those businesses, but instead of only taking one, I plan on taking quite a few pictures, so in case something happens to the little one, the parents have more than one professional picture of their little one. I plan on charging cheaper prices so families can afford more pictures. And I plan on photographing children who have passed on, and giving the families the pictures for free if possible, even if I or my company takes it as a loss.

The mission will be to make sure that families have as many pictures of their children as possible, so if, God forbid, the worst happens, they have those memories to keep.....