Wednesday, March 3, 2010

March 3rd.... year 1

So, today is March 3rd. In other words, it would have been my son Josua's first birthday. I miss him so much and wish he was here with us to celebrate. I wish we could give him a piece of cake and take lots of pictures of him making a mess of himself as he ate, and then having to wash him afterwards. I wish we could give him lots of presents and sing to him. I wish I could just hold him. But truly told I think the hardest thing right now is that he is in Utah and I am unable to get there to spend sometime at his grave. To talk to him and tell him I love him. To sit and meditate by him and my brother, and all those who have gone on before us.

I miss you my baby bear. My little belly bean. Its been almost a year since you have been gone. I will never stop missing or loving you baby. No matter what.

Please make sure the angels up there where you are sing you a wonderful happy birthday song, and please try to enjoy the cake that we get for you. Daddy and I are going to get you a cake and candles, and sing happy birthday to you as well.
Mommy may even get a tattoo... we shall see. I doubt it will happen today, but mommy would love to do it, in her own way of a memory for you. Either that or she will ask daddy if she can make a gift basket to take to the hospital to be given to a new mommy and daddy in memory of you. That may happen... we will have to see.
Anyways, later today we are going to go to the ice sculpture park to see all the awesome ice sculptures, just like we would have done if you were still here with us.
We love you little one. And miss you oh so much. Mommy can only hope that you know that, since she doesn't feel your presence anymore...
I miss that warm feeling I got when I thought I felt you hugging me and watching me. It was probably just my imagination, but it felt real to me. And I loved it. And I miss it now that I don't have it anymore.
I miss you....
I love you.

What is a decent memorial?
Money donated in ones name?
Races run for a cure?
Ink beneath the skin?
A hug given to a sad child?
Research about a cause?
Books written? breathes taken?
Heart beats counted?
Tears shed?

Who can decide?
Why is one way any more fitting than another?
Why is one way more Just than another?
Why is one more God-like, more religious?
More moral, More ethic?
Why can't a memorial be just that,
a memorial?
Memories are what keep us alive.
A life lived is memories,
Tears cried
Skinned knees
Sweat and blood
These are memories.
A memorial is to remember.
Why can I not etch your name in my skin,
so that those who never knew you
ask of you?

Why must I always bring you up,
to the frustration of those around me?
Aren't you over that yet?
No, I am not
I will never be over it
I am a person bereft of a love
Whether you are father or friend,
Son or sister,
You are my love
You are my heart
Steadily beating
You are my breath
My strength
You are the life I keep on living
To be with all those who you left behind.

I am a friend
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a mother

Do not coddle me
Do not judge me
Just remember those who I wish to be remembered
Do not ask how or why I chose to memorialize them
Just know that they mean something to me
In my tears, my smiles
My embraces
My happiness and my sadness
They are me
They are you
They are the Lord Himself
They are love


Mommy wrote that for you sweetheart. I hope you like it. I love you.
I'm going to go take a shower and blow dry my hair so that I can try to enjoy the day to spend with your daddy remembering you, more than we usually do anyways.
Love you...

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