Change

So much has changed since my last post, but a lot has stayed the same.

Changes: I had a beautiful little daughter on March 31st, 2011. Her name is Shandra Elise, and she was born at 3:50 AM, was 20 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces.

We moved into a different apartment (though in the same complex) so we have an extra room and slightly lower rent.

My parents died. Both of them. In a weeks time. Less than a week truly. My dad had apparently had cancer for atleast 10 years, the drs thought more like 15. And from what I was told, my brother found out that dad had known about it, and had not told us nor sought treatment. My dad died on April 26th, 2011. And 3 days later, my mommy died on April 29th, 2011 from renal failure. My ex sister in law Diane had offered to buy me and Shandra (who was less than 1 month old at the time) a ticket to Utah when we first heard my dad was sick, about 2 weeks before he died. I had hemmed and hawwed about going, and decided not to because I was scared for my baby girl. But my doctor, and my midwife both told me to go, I would regret it for the rest of my life. So I accepted my XSIL's offer. They set the leaving date for the 1st of May... But then my daddy died, and my brother told me that mommy wasnt doing well, and they expected her to last about 5 days. So, my XSIL bumped up the ticket to me leaving at 8 pm on the 29th. At 6 pm, my husband answered the call telling us that my mommy had died. They both donated their bodies to science, to the U of U's cadevor program, and had no funeral. I didnt get to see them. I had a feeling a couple months before they died that I would never see them again.... I was right. And I will forget regret my decision to wait instead of just going to say good bye. So that Shandra could have met them, just once, and that I could have seen them one last time. I havent seen them since I moved to Alaska on June 9th, 2009.

We ended up getting my dog Sterling brought up here, and I have been "prescribed" him as a medical companion to help my depression... He doesnt help much, and in truth I think he has made it worse because I cant take care of him very well. We are so poor, and he doesnt have a fenced in yard to play in anymore. I feel horrible, but I know my mom would have hated me if I gave him away, so I dont know what to do.

I stopped working at Cold Stone Creamery in Feb 2011, because of an injury I sustained at work that was being exaserbated by my pregnancy. I have missed working. Not necessarily there, but in general. But I was offered a job at the Walmart Portrait Studio and was going to take it, but wasnt ready to be away from my daughter yet, so I turned it down.

I feel horrible about not working, because we are sinking again, especially since Mike defaulted on his student loans, so now his paycheck is being garnished. And of course every kind of assistance is based off of how much you make gross, not net. All they care about is that your paycheck was $1600, but they dont care that after taxes, garnishments, deductions, etc, you only get $800. Which I think is Bu!!$h!t! Because its not like we can actually spend that money that is taken away from us, but they seem to think so. So, we are in even more tight straights and no help in sight.

Right now, not much is helping. I... I am yearning for something, but I dont know what. Im not finding much pleasure in things right now, but still trying. I guess I do okay, as it is making me happy to try to get my house clean (even if I am not looking forward to the project of the living room) and I am making some progress on a lot of my knitting projects. But I yearn for something, I dont know what it is. I guess I wanna be out and about, but no money to do that, and I need to think of my daughter. I cant really drag her around all the time, and I cant afford a baby sitter, if I would even be able to leave her with one. Maybe I am wishing I was young, skinny, pretty and rich and could party for a bit with no thoughts but enjoying life, but right now I think I just have too much grief and... some thing... hanging. But Im not sure what that is.

Anyways, im hoping writing will help things, and Im going to try to make a goal of journaling atleast once a week to see if getting my feelings out on "paper" will help with these weird feelings im having...