*sighs*

There are so many thoughts going through my head and heart right now. The grief is overwhelming sometimes, and at other times all I feel is numbness. I'm not sure what to do or think, or where to go from here.

I went to a website of an organization called Tiny Hand prints, and requested a SIDS survivor packet. We are still not sure if it was SIDS or not, but the feelings in my heart say it was.

Its so weird... we were so worried about SIDS, it was never far from our minds, but never did I think that it would ACTUALLY happen! And now that it has, my fear has come true, its... weird. I don't know how else to describe it. Its just... a numbness... a wow, I was right to be worried. I'm not sure what else to think about it. Its as weird as going to the store or to Michael's school and seeing people walking around as if nothing had happened. But then again, I cant expect their worlds to stop just because ours did...

Today I asked Michael something that I think hurt him, but I didn't mean to hurt him... I asked him if Josua was real. For most of the pregnancy, we were worried about losing him because of the fact that I had lost two pregnancies before. So, with me carrying him so long, it was just weird and sort of unreal. I was constantly worried that I was imagining the entire pregnancy, and that I was schizophrenic.. and then he was born, and it was still so surreal. I was just barely starting to get used to the fact that he was real, when he died.... and so now... I am beginning to wonder if he was real at all.

He told me that Josua was real, the pictures and the clothes, the stains on the clothes, the toys I made, the bassinet and car seat, and the grief, tell us that he was real. He is right, but I'm still trying to get used to it.

*sighs*

I have asked Michael if I could buy yarn and make baby blankets to sell, so that I could sponsor some of the books that I got in the SIDS survival packet, and give them to the hospital where my baby was taken, and the local libraries. He said yes, so soon I hope he will let me get started. The people who do that also make a label to affix on the inside of the book, an "in memory of ..." label, that can have a picture of our baby. I want to do that so badly, I want to contribute something to my son's memory...

Another thing I plan on doing is going back to school as soon as I can... I am changing my major... I am going to major in Business, and minor in Photography... I am doing this so that I can start my own company. They have those businesses where they are photography businesses, and they go into the hospital and take babies first official picture. Well, I want to make one of those businesses, but instead of only taking one, I plan on taking quite a few pictures, so in case something happens to the little one, the parents have more than one professional picture of their little one. I plan on charging cheaper prices so families can afford more pictures. And I plan on photographing children who have passed on, and giving the families the pictures for free if possible, even if I or my company takes it as a loss.

The mission will be to make sure that families have as many pictures of their children as possible, so if, God forbid, the worst happens, they have those memories to keep.....